


10 Reasons Why the Internet is No Longer Allowed at Hogwarts

by MaybeItWasMemphis



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Funny, Humor, I smoke too much weed, this is insane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:22:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 2,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26828065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaybeItWasMemphis/pseuds/MaybeItWasMemphis
Summary: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry allowed the internet during the early days of cyberspace. This is the story of why it is now banned.REPOST FROM MY OLD ACCOUNT
Relationships: NONE THAT SHOULD BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY
Kudos: 13





	1. Reason # 10

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Weasleys are redheads. The fifth book is blue. J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter so please don't sue!
> 
> Summary: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry allowed the internet during the year days of cyberspace. This is the story of why it is now banned.
> 
> Author's Note: This story is purely for fun and is meant to be nothing more than short little drabbles to make you chuckle. It is supposed to be silly and off the wall. Please, don't message me telling me the reasons why none of this would be possible. I've been a Harry Potter fan since 1998 so it is safe to assume that I know that the internet (and computers for that matter) wouldn't work at Hogwarts.
> 
> Author's Note II: I know eBay wasn't around in the early 90's. This is a humor fic, people just go with it.

“Headmaster,” Professor Severus Snape drawled as he stepped into the old man's office. “We have a problem with the Weasley twins, sir.”

Professor Dumbledore turned away from attempting to feed his pet Phoenix, Fawkes, a lemon drop candy. “Whatever could it be this time?”

“They've been stealing ingredients from my potions stores and I'm fairly certain that they have been using that blasted computer web contraption to flout the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy even more than their brother and Potter did with that cursed flying car!” Snape ranted.

“Just what exactly do you think the brothers Weasley are up to Severus?” Dumbledore raised an eyebrow.

“They're making Amortentia and selling it to muggles on something called eBay, if Miss Granger is to be believed.”

“How can you be certain?”

Snape simply held up a muggle newspaper with the headline:

**LISA MARIE MARRIES MICHAEL JACKSON!**

“Oh, that is very wrong,” Dumbledore said in disgust. “When will that Jackson boy learn that magic is not for muggles?” He shook his head. “Send the boys to my office...and suspend their internet privileges.”

“With pleasure,” Snape sneered


	2. Reason # 9

“Ostende mea amare.”

One whispered incantation and all hell had broken loose in Severus Snape’s classroom.

A bright pink ball of light shot from the tip of Draco’s wand and circled the dungeon classroom twice before stopping to settle above the head of a delighted Pansy Parkinson.

“Merlin...not you!” Draco rubbed a hand over his face. “I thought I was chatting with someone else!” He groaned.

“I know.” She giggled.

Ron suddenly shot to his feet. “I knew you were in love with Hermione, you flea infested ferret!”

Harry, Hermione, Neville, AND Seamus were required to hold Ron back when he made to charge the other boy.

Draco held his hands up. “I thought I was chatting with Luna, not the mudblood!”

“Plot twist.” Seamus let go of Ron in shock.

“Why do I have the feeling that this has something to do with those blasted computers?” Professor Snape interrupted with a slight growl.

Hermione tentatively raised her hand.

“Granger!”

“The Weasley twins started this anonymous chatting service, but you see Professor, there’s this thing called catfishing...”

Professor Snape held up a hand to stop her explanation.

“Miss Granger, go and find me Fred and George Weasley...NOW.” He said in a deadly calm tone of voice.

Hermione scurried from her seat to do as she was told and Professor Snape turned to address the rest of the class.

“20 points from any student dimwitted enough to use that service. 40 from Miss Parkinson for false advertising.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Latin Spell Translation:
> 
> Ostende mea amare - Show my love


	3. Reason # 8

“Professor Snape, sir.”

Severus looked up from marking essays to find Filch standing in the doorway of his classroom carrying a stack of magazines. Muggle magazines by the looks of them.

“What is it, Filch?” He asked disinterestedly as he went back to his marking.

“It's about the Weasley twins, Professor.” Filch approached his desk.

Now, he was seriously confused. The Weasley twins had left Hogwarts the previous year...thank Merlin.

“The brothers Weasley no longer attend this school, Filch. They are of no concern to me.”

Was the caretaker going senile on top of crazy?

“I know that Professor, but they've started up an online ordering service...for muggle pornography.”

Severus dropped his quill. “Excuse me?”

Filch dropped the magazines on his desk and Severus recognized a few titles from his youth – _Playboy, Playpen, Hustler._

“Muggleborns are using the school computers to order subscriptions and are having the magazines shipped to Fred and George Weasley who are than owling them to the students. I took these off of Mr. Finch-Fletchley.”

They should have known that when they put those anti-pornography charms on the computers the randy little dunderheads would find some way around them.

As Severus stood from his desk to go and pay a visit to Fred and George, he was convinced that he was going to be tormented by Weasleys until the day he died.


	4. Reason # 7

“Pixy Stix!” Snape growled at the gargoyle protecting the entrance to the headmaster's office.

When he arrived in the office, he found Professor Dumbledore looking through a stack of...muggle mail? This was new.

“You summoned me, Headmaster?”

Once he was standing directly in front of the old man's desk, he noticed that all of the mail was addressed to Filch.

“Yes, Severus, I need you to have a word with Mr. Filch. He responds best to you.” Dumbledore said as he picked up a red envelope with a drawing of a phoenix in the bottom right-hand corner.

“About what, sir?”

Dumbledore handed him the envelope. “He's enrolled in a muggle school via the internet. I need you to explain to him that the _University of Phoenix_ isn't what he thinks it is.”


	5. Reason # 6

“Excuse me, sir?”

Severus was stopped at the Hogwarts gates by a teenage boy dressed in jeans, a jumper, and trainers who was holding a bouquet of cheap daisies that looked like they had been purchased at a petrol station.

“Can I help you?” He sneered at the obviously muggle boy.

The boy flinched under his gaze before responding, “Um, I met this bird, Lavender Brown, on a dating website and she told me to meet her at her boarding school...but there's nothing here.” He seemed confused. “Have you ever heard of a school called Hogwarts?”

“No.” Severus shook his head. “Never.” He said before taking out his wand and obliviating the poor sap before sending him on his way.

As Severus turned on his heel to make his way back to The Three Broomsticks for a few extra drinks, he was mentally tallying up how many points he would be taking from Gryffindor for Miss Brown's stunt. Maybe the internet wasn't such a bad thing after all.


	6. Reason # 5

Severus was just about to retire for the night when a knock came on his chamber door. Wondering who would be calling on him at such a late hour – it was past three in the morning...and a Saturday night – he pulled the large wooden door open to find...a sheepish looking Draco Malfoy.

“What have you done this time?” He crossed his arms and glared at the teenager.

“Is there a way to Obliviate the internet?” Draco asked nervously.

“Why?” He eyed the yoaung man.

“I had a few shots of firewhiskey with Granger in the computer lab and found this Christian fundamentalist website,” Draco was talking to his feet. “Long story short, Granger started arguing with some people in the chat room about this Muggle named Hitler. She said that his existence was a direct contradiction to the concept of intelligent design. Once she explained who Hitler was, I logged on and grouped You-Know-Who in with Hitler. Now, some confused muggles in the American south want to know who Lord Voldemort is.”

Sweet Merlin...now Severus needed a drink.


	7. Reason #4

_****BANG! BANG! BANG!****_

“Good heavens.” Professor Flitwick jumped in surprise and Severus couldn't blame the tiny wizard. Someone was actually knocking on the front doors of Hogwarts.

“Potter!” Severus stopped the boy as he was leaving the Great Hall. “See what that is.” He nodded curtly towards the doors. He watched as the brat rolled his eyes before opening the doors and slipping outside.

“Severus, was it really advisable to send a student to investigate?” Flitwick spoke up anxiously.

Severus simply shrugged his shoulders as Potter came back inside laughing to himself. “Professor Snape,” he was still laughing as he came to stand in front of him. “you might want to poltergeist-proof the computer lab,” he advised.

“Why?”

“See for yourself.” Potter walked off hysterically laughing.

Going the doors, he threw them open to find two scruffy-looking young men. “Can I help you?” he hissed.

“Hi, my name's Sam,” the tall, gangly one spoke up. “This is my brother, Dean. We got an e-mail from someone named Mr. Peeves. He said he knew of some witches and wizards that needed to be banished...”

Severus obliviated them and slammed the door in their faces. How in the bleeding hell did you murder a poltergeist? He intended to find out.


	8. Reason # 3

“Um... Professor Snape?” Neville Longbottom nervously approached the desk.

“What is it, Longbottom?” Snape growled, making the boy jump.

“Have you ever heard of the _Weekly World News_?”

Oh no. Yes, Severus had heard of it. It was a silly muggle magazine that published rubbish articles about alien abductions and two-headed demon babies. Complete and utter trash is what it was.

“Yes, why?” he asked the boy suspiciously.

“I get it delivered for a bit of a laugh,” Neville shrugged, “but this month, I recognized the new reporter.” He handed over a copy of the magazine and Severus recognized the name of the reporter as well.

_***THE SEARCH FOR THE BLIBBERING HUMDINGER_

_BY LUNA LOVEGOOD***_

“Luna's been using e-mail to send in the magazine articles.”


	9. Reason # 2

“Bloody hell,” Ron gasped. “Playwizard actually has a website.”

“No way.” Harry moved to look at the screen over his shoulder. “That's funny... the muggle commentators think it's just a clever gimmick. Oh, look! They have archives of older issues.”

Ron randomly clicked on the archive for the 1960's issues... and immediately turned green when he saw the first centerfold to pop up.

“Is that...?” Harry trailed off.

“Yeah, I think so.” Ron gulped and nodded. “You think there's any way for me to drop Transfiguration?”

“Potter! Weasley!” Snape was suddenly behind them. “What are you two looking at? You haven't been playing around with the anti-pornography charms again have you?” he asked suspiciously, leaning over to look at the screen himself.

The boys didn't have time to close the web page. Snape saw WAY more of his friend and long-time colleague than he ever wanted to.

The professor stood back up straight, “I won't take any points away but we agree that this never happened, understood?” He fixed them with a menacing glare and both boys nodded.


	10. Reason # 1

Severus found Potter, his friends, and Draco hanging out in the computer lab and all of them seemed to be wearing looks of anger, horror, or both.

“Dare I ask what's wrong this time?”

“Rita Skeeter took my life story, embellished it, and sold it under the name J.K. Rowling as a children's fantasy book series.” Potter was actually shaking in silent rage.

“How embellished?” Severus raised an eyebrow.

“I apparently get the Dark Mark and make several attempts to kill Dumbledore before you do it.” Draco had that wide-eyed look on his face that he always got when he was angry. “I'm also a complete pansy who's so pathetic that I have to make friends with Moaning Myrtle when I'm sad.”

“Mad-Eye Moody also turns him into a ferret and bounces him off walls,” Draco's new girlfriend, Luna, said from her perch on his lap.

“That wasn't Moody, that was Barty Crouch Jr,” Hermione corrected.

How did one confuse the two? He really needed to get his hands on these books.

Ron Weasley rolled his eyes. “Relax, Malfoy. No one will believe it. Everyone knows that you turned spy for the light on the first day of your first year and that Snape didn't die in the war. His love for Hermione kept him alive so they could continue the secret affair that they started when she was a disturbingly young age. That's just how bad fanfiction goes. What, did you believe we were in a good story? This writer is obviously taking the mickey out of us. Come on, mate, you're dating Looney Lovegood in this fic.”

Severus' heart stopped. Weasley knew about him and his precious Hermione?! Wait a minute... SKEETER KILLED HIM OFF?!

“Speaking of fanfiction...” Potter turned to a computer and ran a google search. “Sweet Merlin, there are millions of stories about us!”

The rest of the group quickly found computers so they could have a look for themselves.

“Hey, what's slash?” Potter asked. “This summary says Snape and Harry, slash.”

  
**ONE HOUR LATER**

Severus found himself surrounded by computers that had been blown all to hell by jinxes and curses.

The students were traumatized and he was feeling sick to his stomach.

“I was full frontal,” Draco hid his face in his hands.

“Why would anyone make me and Snape do those things?” Potter was looking very green.

“I can't really bend that way!” Hermione was fuming.

“I can.” Luna beamed proudly and that seemed to cheer Draco up really quick.

“Fred and George don't shag each other.” Weasley was rocking back and forth and chanting. “Fred and George don't shag each other...”

Severus knew computers had been a bad idea.

  
  


_ **FINIS** _


End file.
